Barbara's Blog

Tim's Dating Guide for the Awakening Human Being

Recently my son Tim Ray wrote this article for the Danish lifestyle magazine “Liv og Sjæl” about how we, as awakening human beings, can tackle the challenge of meeting and dating in a more conscious fashion. Interesting food for thought... Enjoy!
 
”Dating Guide for the Awakening Human Being – by Tim Ray

One of the characteristics of a healthy, harmonious relationship is that the partners are a good match. And by a good match I don’t necessarily mean they match each other in appearance or in the outer. People can differ externally – age, appearance, job, career, financial situation, personality type, etc. – and still be a good match. People are a good match when inner circumstances match – and by that I mean when their level of consciousness and their values, intention, and lifestyle match. If there is a good match between your level of consciousness and another person’s, then the chances of you being a “good match” are greater.

So if your focus is on becoming a more conscious and awake human being and if you are looking for a partner who is also striving to become more conscious, how do you determine if someone is a good match for you in terms of their level of consciousness?

Here are some of the things an “awakening” human being might want to consider and be aware of when he or she is dating:
- What is this person’s level of consciousness? Is the person awake and conscious or is she/he confused and unconscious? Does this person believe everything he/she thinks or is this person able to question his/her thinking?
- What is the basic energy of this person? How does it feel? Is there… fear, anxiety, insecurity? Is there desire and a longing for outer, material things, status, money, etc? Does the person radiate anger, irritation, or frustration? Does the person have the “it’s their fault” attitude or vibration? Does the person have a lot of pride and a closed mind and radiate the feeling that he or she knows all the answers? Or is the person open, flexible and willing to consider things from new perspectives? Does the person’s energy seem optimistic and positive? Does the person seem to have common sense and the ability to think clearly? Does his/her energy feel loving and spacious? Is there a feeling of respect for him/herself and others? And what about a feeling of peace? Ecstasy? In other words, what is the person’s vibrational quality?
- What are the person’s values and goals in life? Do he/she value outer achievements like money, material things, status, and fame? Or does the person value inner qualities such as being conscious, understanding and feeling love and compassion? And if the person says their focus is on inner qualities – is there harmony between the person’s stated values and his/her behavior, way of speaking, lifestyle?
- Does the person take responsibility for their life or is this person trying to get someone else to save them?
- Does the person feel comfortable with who they are and rest in themselves? Can he or she be alone and feel good? Or is this someone who needs to fill up their time with outer activities, people and experiences to feel okay?
- Is he/she desperate to find a partner?
- Is she/he realistic when it comes to what a relationship can actually do and not do for a person?
- Does he/she have healthy boundaries? Or does the person have too few boundaries (for example being willing to have sex too quickly?). Or too many boundaries (for example not being honest and showing who they are.)
- Does he/she have a lot of unresolved pain from a previous relationship which they haven’t worked through yet (newly divorced or just out of a long relationship)?
- Does she/he have any unhealthy addictions such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, coffee, flirting and sex?
- What happens when you disagree about something – does this person treat you and the way you see things with respect?
- If you tell the person something intimate or talk about your problems, does he/she listen with respect and compassion?
- If you share some of the things you see/feel about the person with him or her, is the person able to listen to what you’re saying in a sane and sensible manner? Or does he/she immediately become aggressive and/or defensive?
- Is he/she overly responsible and trying to fix others (including you)? Or is this person able to mind his/her own business and let other people take care of their business?
- Is she/he abusive? Does the person violate your boundaries? Or does this person allow him/herself to be violated?
- Is the person awake? Aware? Conscious? And if not, is waking up and becoming more conscious a primary goal in his or her life?
- And finally… if you are a good match, in terms of your level of consciousness – what are his/her preferences when it comes to having a relationship? For example, how much time does this person want to spend with you? Does this match what you want? And how does the person want to spend this time? And again does this match your desires and preferences?

The more awake you are, the better your dating experience will be!
When you read this, you might be thinking, “but how can I realistically assess something like this?”

Part of the answer is obviously the more conscious and aware you are yourself, the easier it will be for you to see and understand other people. In other words, if you understand yourself and your own thinking, feelings and behavior, it’s a lot easier to judge what’s going on with someone else.

And the opposite is also true – if you’re not especially conscious and are very identified with your own thoughts, stories and beliefs and feel needy and insecure, it will be more difficult for you to assess another person’s level of consciousness accurately.

Which brings us to the most important thing of all when it comes to dating – namely – the best thing you can do to have a good dating experience and a good relationship in the future is to become a more conscious person yourself!

Know thyself first
So look at the above checklist and now ask yourself the same questions again – but this time, ask them about yourself. How do you rate? By doing this, you can get an idea of your own level of consciousness in terms of the areas mentioned above.

And yes, it’s an interesting exercise.

If you find areas where you can see that you are not especially conscious and have problems – well then you know where you need to do more inner work so that you can become more awake yourself.

So in this way, dating can be more than just fun – it can be a great way to stimulate your own inner growth!

Healthy dating takes time
When you look at the above checklist, you can also add other points that you think are important for a conscious/awake person to consider when meeting another person. The other thing you will discover is that obviously it will take some time before you can realistically evaluate how conscious another human being is! (Or how awake you are for that matter!). And then assess whether or not you would be a good match.

And this brings us to another important aspect of dating for the awakening human being – it’s important to precede slowly and not just jump into bed right away. Because only by taking your time can you realistically assess if the two of you are a good match.

How long it takes to realistically assess another person’s level of consciousness depends on your level of consciousness! The more conscious you are, the less time it will take for you to correctly assess another person’s level of consciousness – and whether or not you are a good match. And if you’re not especially conscious, well then it will take longer for you to make a healthy assessment. And yes this is a bit of a paradox because when you’re not so conscious, you will probably have a tendency to jump into bed with the first lovely body you run into…

So how conscious are we in fact?

When we look at reality, the truth is that most people who are doing consciousness work and are in the process of becoming more awake – are not completely awake and not completely unconscious either. The reality is they’re a mixture of both – sometimes awake and aware – and sometimes pretty unconscious. So of course this is another good reason to take your time when you are dating!

In practice this translates into something like this:

1) No physical contact, kissing, sex, etc. for the first many dates. One of the dangers of having sex right away is that the energy of flirting and the sex can be so powerful that it interferes with your ability to think and judge clearly. And this can make it very difficult for you to assess your own and the other person’s level of consciousness – and ascertain whether you are a good match or not.

So no sex for the first many dates – for example, no sex the first 10 dates or the first couple of months! And even after the first kiss, it’s still a good idea to move forward slowly. So if you start kissing on date number 10, then wait with the sex until date number 20 – that is if you are still seeing each other after so many dates!

Sex is one of the most intimate things two human beings can do together which is why it is very important to make sure you can be intimate on the inner plane first so that you know you are able to treat each other with respect and love on the inner plane.

So remember: First inner intimacy (i.e. getting to know each other really well) and then outer (physical) intimacy.

2) Get to know each other slowly. Don’t meet at your place or the other person’s place on the first many dates. Meet somewhere neutral like a café. If you really think you feel good together after just a few meetings, well go out to dinner or go for a walk in the woods or something like that. And then if you still feel good together well then you can go to the next step which is going home to each other. But go slowly!

Another advantage of going slowly is that it will enable you to experience the other person in different situations at different times in their life during the period and learn more about what is going on in this person’s life. And this will enable you to see how she/he is dealing with it. Which can be very revealing. Because it’s not what’s happening in a person’s life that determines how awake a person is, but how a person relates to what’s happening. So if you go slowly, you’ll get more of a chance to see this clearly too.

Happy dating!”
 

Want to feel better right now? Try this... I guarantee it works!

One of the best focus tools of all is gratitude, quite simply because thoughts of gratitude are the best thoughts of all! Why are thoughts of gratitude the best thoughts of all? Because life is a gift! And feeling gratitude brings you closer to the truth about life. It’s as simple as that. Life, this amazing thing we call life, has simply been given to us! And it’s ours! The gift of life! And we’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it. It’s simply beyond comprehension when we actually try to understand that we have life! That life is ours. That we are alive. Living, breathing, being, right now today, right this very moment. Unfortunately, most of us are so busy running around like chickens without our heads that we rarely, if ever, notice that we have been given the gift of life.
   What have we done to deserve this?
   What have you done to deserve this?
   What have I done to deserve this?
   What have any of us done?
   It’s beyond doing, isn’t it?
   It’s beyond mind-boggling.
   Look, here I am. Look, there you are! Look! There is this. This! Sitting here. This. This! With this body, this mind, these fingers typing away at this keyboard to you whoever or whatever you are that is reading this… it is just beyond comprehension. Isn’t it? And not only that, it’s such an adventure too. Can you see that? Can you feel it? Deep inside you? Can you see the amazing way it’s been set up for us so that everything—and I mean everything—is happening for us. Can you see that now? How it is all unfolding just for you? And that you haven’t done anything whatsoever to deserve it and you don’t have any idea what it is or where it’s going. And you don’t even know what’s going to happen a minute from now even though we like to think we do. But in reality, do we? So it’s always an adventure for us, isn’t it? We’re always in the middle of a great adventure.  And then it changes again… So yes, grateful thoughts, the prayer of gratitude, the song of gratitude, the melody of gratitude, however you find it, however you sing it or express it… go there and do it! It’s your birthright we’re talking about here, the reason why you want to live, the thing that makes your heart sing, the mystery, the magic, the melody, the love, the joy… Gratitude is the open door to all of it. Gratitude! But only you can walk through the door of gratitude for you. (From my book, "The Awakening Human Being")

How do we measure happiness?

The Danes are pretty obsessed with the fact that they are supposed to be among the “happiest” people in the world. (Is that true?) But the big question of course is how do we measure happiness? When it comes to measuring happiness, many countries in Europe are now planning to introduce a national “happiness” standard or measuring system. In connection with this, Danish National Radio invited a group of so-called “experts” to talk about Danish happiness and how we measure it. I was also invited to give my comments because many of my books such as “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” deal with this subject!

Here is what I said:

“In order for Denmark to measure national happiness, we first have to define what we mean by happiness… and that is something I have thought a lot about because for many years now I’ve been exploring the nature of consciousness and the way our minds work – and what this means for our happiness.

And I’ve discovered that even though everyone wants to be happy, most people are seeking happiness in the wrong place. And we do this because we don’t understand the way the mind works. I also discovered that despite what most people believe, our experience of happiness is not dependent on outer circumstances and on the things that happen in our lives. Our happiness is dependent on our thoughts and beliefs about the things that are happening to us and for us. In other words, our happiness depends on whether we believe something is good or bad. But most people are not aware of this important mechanism and they believe that it is outer circumstances and what they have or don’t have in their lives, which is the reason why they are happy or unhappy. In other words, most people believe their happiness depends on outer conditions like their partner, their job, their finances, how and where they live, their age, weight, appearance, health and so on.

But if we look a little more closely we will discover that this is not true. The outer circumstances or conditions which make one person happy can make another person unhappy. Let’s take a concrete example… For many people in Denmark (and in the rest of the world for that matter) living in a 3-room apartment here in Wonderful Copenhagen would simply be pure happiness. Most people would consider it a dream come true to live here in the center of Copenhagen with all the shops and cafes and close to the seaside. But if you are now living in a large house by the beach on the Danish Riviera just north of Copenhagen and must suddenly move from your house to a 3-room apartment in Copenhagen, you probably won’t think it’s so wonderful. So here we can clearly see that the happiness has nothing to do with the apartment itself but with the thoughts and expectations a person has as to how they should live in order to be happy.

And this is why I often say the quickest route to happiness is to want what you have…!

And this mechanism is working in all areas of our lives… The way we experience our relationships, our jobs, our finances, our health, our age, our weight…. If you believe something is good and it meets your expectations, well then you are happy. And if you believe something is not good and it doesn’t live up to your expectations, well then you are unhappy. It’s as simple as that.

And if we then add to the above, all the insane expectations and demands most people have in Denmark today as to what they “need” or “should have” in order to be happy – all the outer conditions that should be in a certain way for them to be happy – well then it’s no wonder that so many people in Denmark are so stressed out and unhappy. Here are some of the latest statistics from Denmark (where everyone claims they are so happy!).

Out of a national population of 5 million people:
Approximately…
350,000 Danes – nearly 1 in 10 Danes – are suffering from anxiety
350,000 Danes are taking anti-depressants or other mood-stabilizing medications
200,000 Danes are suffering from depression
75,000 Danes have eating disorders
250,000 Danes are suffering from stress
500,000 feel “burnt out” at their jobs
250,000 Danes are drinking so much alcohol daily that they need treatment

This is why it is so important that we all take a closer look at all the unrealistic expectations and demands we have as to what we “need” to be happy – and instead look at the way our minds work. Because only here will we find the key to happiness.

And when we do this – when we understand the way our minds work – when we understand that happiness is an inner event which is not dependent on outer circumstances, then we discover to our great surprise and joy that happiness is in fact our true nature. And that it’s only all our insane expectations and beliefs about what we need to be happy that are keeping us from being happy right now!  It’s the great paradox!

So if you want to measure the national happiness in Denmark today, you would have to measure how many people in Denmark understand the way the mind works!”

 

Who says you need to be successful to be happy? (Almost everyone)

But is it true? 
   I am living proof that you don’t need to be a success to be happy! 
   Oh yes, there was a time when I thought it was true. There was a time when I thought I needed to have a happy marriage to be happy. So I tried to achieve that and it was a total failure! And then I thought well at least I can try to please my dysfunctional parents and make them happy, so I tried really hard to do that and of course I was a total failure! (Nothing I ever did made them happy because I was the way I am, not the way they thought I “should” be.)  And then for a while I thought well at least I could stay fit and look young no matter what my age, and then I got sick and old and was a total failure at that. And so I thought well at least I can make a lot of money because then I’ll be a success and be happy. And you can imagine how that went – another total failure!!
   Until the wonderful day when I woke up and realized that despite all my so-called failure in the world, I was perfectly happy! And then it became plain to me that being “successful” in this crazy world of ours has absolutely nothing to do happiness. Nothing whatsoever! Because as I found out – to my great and eternal delight – happiness is my nature! Happiness, true happiness is who I am. And that happiness – that true happiness has nothing whatsoever to do with getting anything or achieving anything or doing anything at all, it’s just the joy of being. And I can experience that joy anytime, anywhere, right now… just sitting on a bench, doing nothing… Ah… the joy of being, the joy of being life itself… what a relief!

The Ultimate Abuse

The founders of the United States of America wrote these words in their Declaration of Independence in 1776. And to this day, this statement is one of the highest and most profound statements ever formulated by mankind. I suggest you consider it carefully. They wrote:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

The ultimate abuse occurs when someone tries to violate another person’s unalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And this, we all know, is happening all the time, all around the world. Just turn on the TV and you see it happening. It’s going on all the time on the world stage.
   But this abuse is not just happening on the world stage, it’s also happening up close to us – in the lives of people who are around us. And it can be pretty shocking when you start to notice that it’s not just out there but that it’s also in here.
    Since I do private sessions with people almost every day, I get to hear about this happening all the time, right here in peaceful little Denmark. Almost everyone who comes to me for private sessions has experienced this type of abuse and is today suffering from the effects of this. They are suffering from and struggling with the reality that someone close to them has tried to violate their unalienable right to their own life, and to liberty (which is the freedom to do what they want – and experience the consequences) and to pursue happiness in whatever way they deem best (and again to experience the consequences).  I hear this often from my clients. And it’s heartbreaking…
   I hear stories of husbands who are trying to violate their wives’ right to live their own lives as they deem fit and who justify this violation by repeating the old patriarch call to duty for women saying “It’s your job to make me happy”… “You have a duty to the children”… “You have to think about the family,”… “I know what’s best for you”… etc. etc. It’s sickening to hear and because these women are not clear about the fact that they have certain unalienable rights and that among these are the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness – it’s easy for their husbands to manipulate them.
   I also hear stories of parents who are trying to manipulate their adult children in this way and I hear it from adults who have been manipulated in this way by their parents. It is as if these children (whether they are young or old) only exist to make the parents happy and to satisfy the needs of the parents. It’s as if children from these confused and dysfunctional families are brought up to believe that they don’t have the right to their own lives. And so they feel they don’t have the right to pursue life, liberty and happiness in whatever way they see fit (and again experience the consequences of their choices). And when they finally try to strike out on their own, they often feel terrible guilt because they were taught from an early age that their lives belong to another.
   And this is the ultimate abuse – to hear from the adult caretaker(s) in your life that you don’t have the right to your own life – that you don’t have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in whatever way you see fit. When this happens, it is the ultimate violation of a person’s basic human rights as a free individual.
   This of course does not mean that parents are not responsible for guiding and protecting their children when they are small, but as children grow into adulthood, it is no longer the parent’s job to determine what’s best for their children’s future. Because how can they know? How can one person possibly know what is best for another? Especially when we take into consideration that all men and women are created equal and that we are all endowed by our Creator with the same unalienable rights and that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
   So the violation of human rights is not just something that is happening out there on the world stage… it’s also something that is happening right here where we are. And I doubt very much that we can fix out there until we fix in here. Out there is just a reflection of in here…
   That’s why I believe the wise words of the American founders are definitely worth thinking about and meditating upon…
 “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
   The men who wrote this statement truly saw into the core of the human condition. They understood the cry for freedom that is in every person’s heart. They knew that each and every one of us is longing for freedom and for the right to pursue happiness in whatever way we see fit because this is the human basic drive that is in all of us… this is our basic nature.
   When we violate these rights, we are violating who we truly are.

Just breathe and be present...

Braco and his silent gazing, Mary Baker Eddy and her amazing healings (documented), Eckhart Tolle and the healing power of Presence, David Hawkins and the Siddhis and the calibration level of unconditional love – 540 and above… whatever we call it, whatever words we use, in whatever form it appears for us, there is no doubt that when we shift our attention to the bandwidth of the Presence and unconditional love (calibration level 540) amazing things happen in the physical dimension, happenings which we then call healing and miracles.
   And the paradox usually is – when this happens we are no longer desperately trying to attain anything (like a healing or anything else) because we are experiencing the Grace of Spirit directly.
   When we make this paradigm shift from the level of mind and matter and all the logical, language-based explanations we normally entertain and leap to the non-linear level of unconditional love and Presence which is beyond time and space and language-based explanations of laws of cause and effect, we find ourselves as we were from the beginning – Perfect, Whole and Complete. Needing nothing (no-thing) but dwelling forever in the radiance of our own spirit which is the radiance of Spirit itself. And we discover that they are one and the same. No separation is possible at this level of awareness because there is none.
   Things click for us and we are healed. Whether or not this becomes apparent in our physical bodies is not so important. This state is always available to us and you can access it by taking one conscious breath at a time. Just breathe and be present and see what happens.

 

A great daily affirmation

Here's one of my favorite affirmations. It's a long one, but if you say it out loud with feeling every day, you will see how empowering it truly is.

It's by Jon Speller from his book called "Seed Money in Action". Enjoy!

"My Daily Affirmation by Jon Speller

   I know WHO I AM.
   I AM the Selector, the Director, the Guide, the Pattern Maker, the Blueprinter of that Unlimited, Unformed yet All-Powerful, Completely Obeying, Infinite Energy which every instant of my Life flows through my mind.
   I AM the Eyes, the fingertips, the Consciousness of that Infinite Energy.
   I AM the Sole Ruler and Absolute Monarch of that Infinite Energy which flows through my mind.
   That Infinite Energy is my Omnipotent and Willing Servant, follows exactly my every order.
   My words and thoughts and emotions FORM that Infinite Energy into the conditions and circumstances of my Life and environment. That All-Powerful Infinite Energy is constantly and precisely fulfilling - transforming - my words and thoughts and emotions into their physical counterparts.
   No words or thoughts or emotions of mine ever return to me unfilled. Therefore, I am always exceedingly careful that all my words and thoughts and emotions are beneficial, positive, constructive and specific in all of their aspects.
   By Guiding and Directing that Infinite Energy forever flowing through my mind with words and thoughts and emotions which ARE beneficial, positive, constructive and specific, I bless myself with Perfect Health, with Ever-renewing Life, with Inexhaustible Vitality, with Everlasting Youthfulness, with Wisdom and Understanding, with Wealth, Prosperity, Happiness and an Overflowing Abundance of All Good things of Life.
   I bless my fellow beings with beneficial, positive, constructive and specific words and thoughts and emotions and also with gifts of money, services, aid, help, love, praise and encouragement and claim my tenfold return on all of these from the Infinite as is both my privilege and my duty as a Conscious Expression of the Source of that Infinite Energy.
   That Always Obedient, All-Powerful Infinite Energy which flows constantly through my mind ALWAYS brings my tenfold return to me. Daily my capacity to receive increases, expands and magnifies.
   All Good completely fills my Life and environment and the Lives and environments of all of my fellow beings.
   All Good is formed from All-Powerful, All-Present, All-Knowing Infinite Energy  which is MINE TO USE HERE AND NOW and is from God, All-Power, All-Presence, All-Knowledge.
   And I AM One with God.
   So I AM.
   So it is."

The Serenity Prayer... again!

The way it is, is the way it is. How do I know things shouldn't be different than they are - well they aren't! So the only question is, if this doesn't feel right, is there anything I can do about it? And if not, well then I might as well enjoy the ride.

   The wonderful Serenity Prayer says: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

   Almost everyone I know says they love this prayer, and since we all love the Serenity Prayer so much, why is it so difficult to practice?

   I think one of the reasons is because so many of us think it's our job to mind everyone else's business. The minute you realize you're minding someone else's business and that it is impossible to fix other people - you can come home to yourself and start taking care of you. This is the wisdom the Serentiy Prayer is talking about... the wisdom to know what you realistically can change and what you realistically cannot change. And when this wisdom is born in you, well then the Serenity Prayer actually works and becomes your reality!

Are you sure you're really feeling anger?

One of the things I’ve learned from working with clients is that many women (me included) are really afraid of anger. Anger is a big taboo, a big no-no for many women. Many women feel it’s bad to be angry. And yes, according to most of us (men and women alike), being angry is not ok for a woman. Men can get angry, but if you’re a woman and you’re angry, it’s a sign of failure, a sign that something’s wrong.

So if you’re a woman and someone accuses you of being angry… you’ll probably reply with something like, “What me angry? Never! I never get angry.”

Now why do we women react like that? (Instead of saying, “Yeah, you know what? I’m really pissed off about that.”) 

Why do we bow our heads instead and say, “What me angry? Me? Never! Never!” 

Well I would say it’s because we’ve learned that anger is not ladylike. We’ve learned that anger is simply not feminine, and worst of all, anger is not spiritual! Oh my God, there we have it. If we’re angry we’re not spiritual. Just think about it. Spiritual people don’t get angry! But my dear friends, is that true? (What about Gandhi, wasn’t he angry?) So tell me… is it true that anger is not good, not feminine and not spiritual! 

After sitting with so many people (mostly women), I’m convinced most of us (especially women) are pretty confused about this issue. (And if you’re a man reading this, who has the same issues – yes, please read on because my analysis of the problem holds equally true for both men and women.) 

But back to the basic confusion about anger. Here’s a bit of background. Even though here in Denmark and many other Western countries, we live in so-called free societies where men and women are considered equals, we all come from the same patriarchal background. And by that I mean, we all historically come from the same mental programming and mindset which basically says that men are the dominant figures and it’s the job of women to satisfy and serve them. And even though nobody today would admit to believing anything like that anymore, the reality is that that’s simply the way the world has been programming people for generations upon generations. So even if we’re free and equal here in Denmark and the West, I would question whether this really true. I would question whether this longstanding programming has simply disappeared from the collective consciousness in the last 40 years. I would question whether it’s really true that we’re all free and equal in our minds! 

Because if you sit listening to women’s stories everyday like I do, you will quickly see that this programming is still here, is still very much alive, still well and still going strong. 

Because you see the women I see might be feeling what they would call “anger”, but they are also often feeling very uncomfortable about feeling what they call anger. And it’s not hard to understand why, especially when you look at this from a historical perspective. When you do that, it’s easy to see why so-called anger in women was not acceptable. (You might rock the boat.) And easy to understand why so-called anger wasn’t and still isn’t considered a feminine virtue. (You might rock the boat if you owned your own power and did want you want.)   

So even today, in free-minded Denmark, so many of the women who come to me are still afraid of being called angry, still afraid of owning their own power, still of afraid of being called a “bitch” or not being feminine or not being spiritual. Which in reality translates into being afraid to say no to the people around them who are actually stepping on their toes! And when I ask them why they’re so afraid of this feeling, these women often tell me they don’t want to get angry because they don’t want to behave like the person or people who are treating them badly! I know this might sound funny and surprising, but it’s really shows how confused we are. And I know what I’m talking about because I’ve been there and felt that way myself. 

But let’s look at reality now; let’s look at what’s really going on. This energy a woman (or a man) feels in a situation like this, which she calls “anger”, is it really anger? Or is this woman (or man) really just feeling her own innate inner power? If you’ve ever been in a situation like this or felt like this, ask yourself – what were you really feeling when you felt like that? And was it anger? Or was it just that innate primordial urge we all have to take care of ourselves and defend ourselves when someone violates our boundaries? And if this urge felt like aggression, well was it? Is it aggression to want to take care of yourself? If you answer yes, I would question this belief. Because my answer would be no! No, it’s not aggression to want to defend yourself. In fact, I would say it’s healthy energy, healthy self-defense. I would say it’s your natural right, your own inborn urge to take care of yourself, which is not the same as the aggression. True aggression is when someone violates another person’s boundaries – not when you are defending yourself.  So let’s be very clear about this. Aggression and aggressive anger is when you violate someone’s boundaries and someone else’s right to be themselves and defend themselves and make decisions for themselves. That’s aggression. But it’s not aggression when you feel a powerful energy to defend yourself from someone else’s aggression. They are not the same. And cannot and should not be equated with one and other. It’s very important to be clear about this. Because the danger here is that if a woman feels violated and then feels her natural urge to defend herself is “anger”, then she doesn’t let it out and doesn’t defend herself. Instead because she’s afraid of what she’s feeling, she keeps her own innate power locked up inside. (Instead of feeling and using this inner power to defend themselves, many women cry instead. Because tears are often the only legitimate way women can let this energy out.)

So if you’re feeling like this. If you feel this pent up energy inside and then cry instead of letting this energy out, I would look at what’s happening and then I would question first of all if what you are feeling can even be called “anger”. Are you sure you’re feeling anger? Are you sure you’re not just feeling a natural, healthy urge to defend yourself? Are you sure you aren’t just feeling your own inner power which wants to say, “Hey look, this isn’t ok with me,” or “Look I’ve had enough,” or just plain “No thank you!” And even if you say this urge feels so powerful that sometimes it feels like aggression, I’d still say it isn’t aggression as long as it’s the basic urge to take care of yourself when your boundaries are being violated. 

So please, next time this happens, slow down at bit a take a closer look at what’s going on and ask yourself… is what I’m feeling really anger??? And if you still answer yes, well then I’d suggest there is a big difference between “appropriate anger” and “inappropriate anger”!!! It might be all in our definition of the word “anger”, but I’m convinced that a lot of our anxiety about anger comes from our historical programming that it’s not ok to set limits and take care of ourselves. 

(And of course, this doesn’t mean we can’t learn to express this inner power in skilful ways.)

 

Nothing to deal with but your own thoughts

Every human being is a focal point in the ONE Mind. Each individual is using the Infinite Mind in his or her own unique way.
   And since each human being has his or her own basic beliefs or sponsoring thoughts about the nature of “Life”, each being is living in his or her own unique world.
   Because thought is creative, each person’s Life and Life experiences are self-fulfilling prophecies. In other words, each individual being’s world looks exactly like he or she thinks the world should look. Strange as this might sound, it is nevertheless true. No two worlds are the same. Listen to anyone talk and you will discover this is true—beyond a shadow of a doubt.
   Quantum physics confirms the fact that we all are a part of one massive field of energy and that all beings and all so-called inanimate objects, are made up of the same energy. In other words, everything—you, me, our houses, our computers, our cars, the food we eat—can be broken down into the same basic units or components called atoms. These atoms can be further broken down into sub-atomic particles, which can be broken down into waves of energy.
   At this level of perception, all of creation is one vast field of energy. One vast unified whole. What we experience as Life is what "pops" out of this field because of the focus of our attention. The field itself contains all of experience since It is all there is. Thus it is the nature of our attention, which determines the nature of our experience.
   This is why you have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts. Everything you experience is a result of your thoughts and beliefs and the focus of your attention. From my book "The Spiritual Pathway"